TW: Mental Health

I have ADHD and cPTSD. This means am I prone to hyper-fixation, depression, and anxiety. I'm also plagued by lack of focus. Every day, I am one step away from spiraling into the depths of every embarrassment or wrong thing I've ever done.

There was a time when I could hide it. I pushed it down and locked it away. I even leveraged some traits to my benefit. It's amazing what you can do when your brain is always delivering worst case scenarios so that you can prepare for them. I failed to account for burnout.

There are limits to a person's endurance. Eventually, you just stop functioning. You notice things that used to come easy are now difficult or impossible. You begin disappointing yourself and those that depend on you. You feel your value slip away.

Loved ones try to reassure you. Friends try to cheer you up. You start hating yourself more for making them worry and for being unable to be better. To be what you used to be.

Some days, it seems like you might recover and then even a small negative hits you in the chest like a bullet and hope is gone again. The spiral keeps churning. Life plods forward. You keep trying. Your wins get buried as not being enough and your failures add to the pile.

You reach a point where you question everything. Were you ever really "better" or were you just that good at faking it? You were certainly better at hiding it, or were you? Did everyone always see it and just pretend they didn't so they wouldn't upset you? Is anything real?

Where does it stop? When does it end? So many questions, most without answers. Those few that do often come across as placations or platitudes. Then you start wondering what you did to deserve this. You get angry at fate until the spiral returns to show you what you did.

You eventually get through the day and tell yourself "maybe tomorrow" and try to believe it.